Adjusting to Changes in Routines
Becky Schimdgall, Kinship Family Facilitator
The first day of fall is this Saturday, and as we ease into the holiday season, many foster families begin to feel the growing tension of calendars filling up. Juggling numerous school events and social gatherings with bio parent holiday visits (as well as the heightened emotions the holidays bring)... is a routine even feasible?
Children thrive with routines. The predictability allows a child’s brain the freedom to learn and explore their world rather than wonder and worry what is going to happen next. For foster kiddos, this is even more important, as so much of their circumstances are unknown.
I’d like to take this opportunity to discuss some practical ways you can support your children in navigating changes to routines.
These strategies, if practiced and reinforced, can be useful life skills that your children can eventually use independently for years to come.
While we aren’t always aware ahead of time that our routine is going to change (I once arrived at the Children’s Museum on a Monday only to find that it’s closed on Mondays- ugh), many times we do know something is changing. Let kiddos know in advance and allow space for them to ask questions. For example, fall break is coming up in a few weeks. Take some time to talk with your children about what that week will look like. Where will they be each day? Who will be with them? Consider going for a walk outside (it’s finally under 100 degrees!) as you talk; many people find conversations flow easier while their bodies are in motion.
Cue transitions and let other caregivers know your kiddo may need cues. Transitions, or going from one activity to the next, are especially hard for some children. Give your child a 5-minute, 2-minute, and 1-minute warning (or whatever time increments you prefer) using short, clear sentences, stating what is going to happen. “Jimmy, 5 minutes and I’m going to turn off the TV so we can eat dinner.” One helpful tool I’ve found is using timers, and for children who can’t tell time yet, sand timers or these visual timers are a great option.
Visit new places ahead of time, either in person or look up pictures and videos online. Whether it’s a new school, a new doctor’s office, a new playground, or a new city, new places can seem very scary and uncertain to our little ones and their active imaginations. Snuggling together on the couch as you take a virtual tour on your computer can provide your child with the sense of security and calm that will help set them at ease and know what they can expect when they arrive somewhere in person.
Prepare and practice a “cool down routine” your child can use in unpredictable moments (deep breaths, grounding strategies, body hug, etc). Practice these calming strategies when your child is calm and in a generally good mood, and see if any of them resonate with your kiddo. Have your child pick several that they enjoy and can easily do on their own with little or no materials needed. Then, when you see them experiencing heightened emotions or becoming dysregulated, you can help by verbally cueing them: “Jimmy, let’s do your cool down routine.” Make sure any other caregivers or teachers are aware of this cool down routine so they can cue your child if necessary, and so they can observe how often your child needs to use this routine and any patterns that emerge (Does something seem to set off your child? Are they needing to use their cool down routine more often recently? This is all useful information).
If possible, minimize the number of changes happening simultaneously. It’s a lot to process for anyone, especially for a child who already juggles a lot of uncertainty
6. Provide extra time and give yourself and your kiddos grace when things take longer than usual. Even if nothing has changed about your morning routine, if something later in the day or week has changed, that may be taking up space in your child’s brain, and they may not be functioning at their typical morning pace. This is normal, and you are both humans. The world will not fall apart if you are a little late.
7. Have “grounding” items (such as a favorite toy or comfort item) and/or verbal reminders (short but impactful: “You are safe,” “You are loved,” “You can do hard things,” etc) that your child can take with them and focus on. Make sure your child is the one to select which grounding items and/or verbal affirmations work for them- not you. They get to identify what will help them best. Keep in mind this item and affirmation will likely change over time. Maintain an open dialogue with your child as to what helps them when they’re upset. This is how you can genuinely be there for your child when they need you most.
8. Reward flexibility! When you see your child navigating a change with ease (or with difficulty, but navigating it nonetheless), praise them for this! “Jimmy, I’m really impressed with how you were able to listen to your new teacher and follow the classroom rules. That must have been really hard. I’m proud of you for using your cool down routine when you needed it.” “Jimmy, I’m sorry I didn’t realize the Children’s Museum was closed today. Thanks for helping me out and staying cool while we drove to the playground.”
To be clear, these suggestions certainly won’t guarantee a seamless transition to a new routine. But hopefully you find them to be helpful tools for your ever-growing parenting toolkit!
