The Important Work of Honoring Our Feelings
By Kelly Hubbard and Becky Schmidgall
In February we turned our focus from large-scale policy changes to a more inward-focused topic: navigating feelings about our kinship children’s biological parents.
As kinship caregivers, processing emotions about biological parents is vital for the well-being of both you and your children. We utilized the questions below to guide our discussion. Caregivers listened and provided validation to each other as they expressed shared thoughts and experiences.
Consider using the following questions as a tool for processing your own thoughts and feelings. You may choose to journal through these questions, talk them over with a therapist, or reflect on them with a trusted friend.
The goal is to support you in navigating the complexities of your emotions and interactions with the biological parents, while also fostering growth, compassion, and understanding for all involved.
1. Managing Your Own Feelings
How do I currently feel when thinking/talking about the biological parents of the child(ren) I care for?
Are there specific emotions (anger, frustration, sadness, etc.) that surface when I think about the biological parents?
What personal biases or opinions do I have about the biological parents that might affect how I talk about them to my child and others?
In what ways might my own unresolved emotions or experiences influence the way I communicate with my child about their biological family?
2. Shifting Perspectives to Compassion
How can I shift from focusing on my own negative feelings (such as resentment or anger) toward the biological parents to a more compassionate or empathetic perspective?
How can I reframe feelings of hurt or anger into a mindset of compassion or love for the biological parents, recognizing the challenges they may have faced (addiction, mental illness, abuse, etc.)?
How do I move from a self-focused view (e.g., “their poor choices impacted my life”) to an others-focused view (e.g., “I’m glad I could step in and love these children well”)?
How can these shifts in perspective help me process my emotions and show empathy toward the biological parents while still advocating for my child’s needs?
3. Long-Term Emotional Growth
How have my feelings toward the biological parents evolved over time, and what factors have contributed to these changes?
Looking back, how do I view my relationship with the biological parents now compared to when I first became a caregiver?
What steps have I taken to understand the circumstances and challenges the biological parents may have faced, and how has this influenced my views?
How can I/do I balance expressing my emotions and processing them with maintaining a focus on what is best for the children in my care?
4. Gratitude and Personal Growth
How can I cultivate a mindset of gratitude for the opportunity to care for the child(ren) I love, despite the challenges involved?
What positive aspects have I gained through this experience, such as personal growth, empathy, or resilience?
How can I use my personal journey to help create a nurturing and supportive environment for the child(ren) while fostering their sense of identity?
5. Processing Through Writing or Therapy
Would it be helpful for me to journal about my feelings toward the biological parents, or perhaps discuss them with a therapist or trusted friend?
How can I incorporate regular self-reflection or check-ins to monitor my emotional state and growth in this area?
